Jo's Blog

[fav] Death and Rebirth in everyday life

July 20, 2023 — Jo (CC BY-NC)

Reply to IndieWeb Carnival July 2023: Moments of Joy

I work in the center of the old town in a city that is very into culture. So when the day is sunny and pleasant I may hear, besides the occasional wailing of a car alarm, a wide variety of street musicians. Last Monday I was surprised to recognize a song that I hadn't heard in at least 7 years.

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The song in question was The Prince of Denmark's March by Jeremiah Clarke, mostly referred to simply as The Trumpet Voluntary, which I knew from playing it in school orchestra.

I quickly exclaimed the name of the song and my surprise at hearing it to my understandably unimpressed colleague. When I later shared it in my Instagram story, however, I got a great response from people who played in the school orchestra with me, sharing my surprise in hearing this song again. People wrote me who I haven't spoken to or seen in years. This pleasant surprise would make a neat foundation for my submission to this months IndieWeb carnival topic "Moments of Joy", I thought.

When I reflected upon this time in my life I came to realize how much I had changed since then and how most relationships I had had then were gone and the people had become virtual strangers to me. I actually think about these things a lot.

the necessity of Death

Once the heat of a big change starts to cool and I have the chance to examine the way it has influenced my life, I usually realize that it has changed me quite a bit. Truly a big change isn't even strictly necessary, you change little by little as time goes by and once you notice it's already too late. No wishing or whining can undo the influence your life has on you — as long as you keep living it, gathering new knowledge and experience, you're bound to change. Staying just as you are right now might seem nice, but wouldn't it also be awfully sad and boring?

We all change, when you think about it. We're all different people all through our lives. And that's okay, that's good, you've got to keep moving, so long as you remember all the people that you used to be.

from: Doctor Who (2005) "The Time of the Doctor"

This quote has always been very comforting to me and generally meant a lot. I first watched this episode during a time when, after years, I had finally started climbing out of a mental health hole and building a better life — and as I looked back at myself I sadly realized how drastically I had changed as a person. I could never be who I was before my depression but I was no longer someone who held onto this sad fact as a hollow replacement for an actual personality.

As time goes by I become different people and who I used to be feels like a stranger — sometimes I remember the past and I can't imagine it was really me who experienced these things, it's a bit unnerving. While I long to be who I was I realize this feeling of nostalgia is deceiving. Would I really be happier if I was 16 again? Or 5? Pleasant memories don't mean that I had no problems or anxieties back then. I've always maintained that if I had a chance for a do-over I wouldn't take it. Everything I've experienced made me who I am; the good, the bad and the ugly (as well as any other Western movie I've never watched).

Rebirth

Deutsch
Was entstanden ist, das muß vergehen!
Was vergangen, auferstehen!
Hör auf zu beben!
Bereite dich zu leben!
(…)
Mit Flügeln, die ich mir errungen,
Werd ich entschweben!
Sterben werd' ich, um zu leben!

English
What was born must also die
What was dead shall rise again
Tremble no more;
Prepare yourself to live
(…)
With wings that I have won for myself
I will fly away
I shall die so I may live

Lyrics to: Die Auferstehung (Resurrection)

These lyrics are definitely about some religion stuff but since I don't believe in actual resurrection, I bring up this barely fitting song as a metaphor for death and resurrection in day-to-day life. What your life is right now is bound to change eventually, things that you have long forgotten about may re-enter your life and the end of an era is the beginning of a new one. Your circumstances change and close relationship grow apart. It's sad to think of all the fun I've had with people that I can never experience again because the people who we were back then just don't exist anymore. Our old self may die to make room for the new one but this doesn't make the past less real.

When we remember it clearly, it becomes more real to us again, like an echo. Our senses are great at triggering memories. Once again tasting something you ate as a child, seeing a sunset that somehow connects you to all the times you've spent looking at sunsets etc. I personally find smells and music to be the biggest memory triggers. Whenever I smell cigarette smoke I think of my grandmother or of vacations. Sometimes I can't even place a smell and still it may transport me back to the time I last smelt something similar.

The influence of music has already been mentioned. There is so much to say about it that I hardly know which examples to put. Should I say that Billie Holiday reminds me of the summer or that Michael Bublés version of "It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas" will forever remind me of a mental breakdown I had, which is weirdly not as unpleasant as it sounds?

Our past, however unreal or distant it may seem, shapes our present and future selves. And I think some fundamental facts about us remain the same as we go through life, not just biologically (this is meant to be a reference to that whole "all your cells renew themselves every 7 years" myth but I'm tired so it's not very good).

Conclusion

I'll admit, this post doesn't exactly scream Joy.

I will try to explain my positive spin on this: it's true that impermanence is more scary than joyful as a rule, but you could also take comfort in it. We tend to despise our interests or personal feelings being labeled as a "phase" and this is probably because we think that a fact being temporary gives it less meaning or that it doesn't need to be taken seriously? I've long thought that just because something is a "phase" that doesn't mean it's unimportant or that once it stops being true that means that it never was. If there's one thing I've stated way too much in this post it is that our lives go in phases — and so you shouldn't be afraid of how it might look if you change your mind one day. Life is about changing your mind.

Generally it's unfair, I think, to expect anyone to know everything about themselves — impossible, even. How can I know myself completely when who I am is changing perpetually? I think the mystery is beautiful in a way.

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